Living in the Gap: My 30 years in the United States

I moved to the United States in June 1984. My native country is Denmark.

I left because I could. I left because of money.

Can you believe that??

The United States offered me a sizable merit based scholarship. My home country never offered me a dime based on merit -- and I was one of those straight A students, never missed an essay, always did all the assignments. You know the student you hated in high school, who always read ahead and had all the answers.

Thanks to the Rotary Foundation, I got my start in the US at the University of Arizona in June 1984. I proceeded all the way to a Ph. D. in physics --and graduated without a dime in student loans in 1993. Thank you, United States of America. I could not have done what I did here in Denmark --- not without debt.

Now, I am caught in the gap between two cultures, two political systems, two value systems. And I don't belong to either. When I am in Denmark, I remember keenly, on occasion, why I chose to live in the United States. When I am in the United States, I often miss Denmark, the people, the nuances in political debates, the consideration for the 'least of these'--- all the things that make Danes the most contented people in the world, and Copenhagen once again in 2014 the best city in the world to live in.

The truth is ex-patriots like myself do not belong anywhere.

For example, after 30 years in the US, I still do not AT ALL understand the South, its values, its history, its people--nor their lifestyle --- seriously!!They are lovely, hospitable people, but they play by rules I do not get.  The best bet for me is to avoid Southerners. I get in trouble when I deal with them. Their indirect culture, their (what I perceive as 'veneer' of) politeness so flies in the face of my direct outspoken Danishness.

Living in the gap is particularly painful with respect to values.

Americans hold their values very close to their hearts -- family, faith, football and something about the Constitution and its original intent and so forth. When you are a foreigner here you were not raised with their inherent respect  for certain 'pieces of paper', nor do you find them all equally divinely inspired. When at times you do not sufficiently produce that respect for said documents, you teeter on the brink of metaphorical 'flag burning' to Americans.

In particular, American conservatism--which I have lived in and with and amongst most of my time here-- tends to be viewed comprehensivelt, not issue-by-issue. It is ideologically complete, so it is thought, an elephant (pun intended) that you have to swallow whole--not as points worthy of political compromise. Many people struggle to understand why you (the foreigner) opt to partition out the trunk and one of the tusks, even if you will swallow most of the rest. It's all or nothing, baby. Every key issue held feels like a lithmus test to your authenticity and trustworthiness both in matters political and in matters religious.

My vague comments on politics aside... then there is just living with the people, or getting along with the people, on either side of the pond we call the Atlantic Ocean.

After 30 years in the US, when I return to Denmark, I don't understand the Danes much either. For example, during one memorable visit with my parents' neighbors I was offered a martini. I declined. I was offered beer, wine, pop, coffee, tea, water, and then finally he said with an offended air, "OK, fine. Nothing, then." I had completely forgotten that you really need to take something, and it was not until he relented that it occurred to me how rude I had been. In the United States, when you enter a house, and someone offers you something and you decline one or two things, the message is that I am fine, and the host is no longer obligated to offer you anything.

On another occasion here in the US, I had Danes over for lunch. I offered soup, and was told that "one does not eat soup during the summer. It is a winter dish." Sorry, I forgot, but now that they tell me, I DO remember.

Thankfully, in the US, there are no seasons for foods. One just eats whatever one feels like, any time one feels like it. Yeah!!

In Denmark at a dinner, you never touch the glass until the host gives the first toast. Sadly I always remember those Danish mannerisms after the fact. When I took  my three oldest kids ages 8, 10, 13 to a fancy Danish party in 2003, I was told that they were really sweet kiddos, but what deplorable table manners they had. :)

That is not to say the United States is without  etiquette. It's there, but not as much in regards to food.

One of the first things I learned when I married into an American family (with roots in Texas) was that one cannot be too direct in one's speech or one comes across forcefully.

I remember sitting at an extended family gathering where everyone discussed where to go out for dinner, everyone hinted at what they migth perhaps want to eat, and this here clueless Dane very directly asserted that she wanted Mexican food, after which, the whole group (because of the way I innocently phrased it) felt compelled to abide by my wishes, and we went out for Mexican. I have since learned that in such gatherings and on such occasions one expresses oneself  only in the passive subjunctive.

Another thing I learned is that the Civil War is not over and that it is best not to mention it, or the rafters will ring with phrases such as 'States' rights' and 'Northern Aggression'. There are also those, in the US, who from a Constitutional perspective still think the Federal Government had no right to impose the civil rights legislation on the South. Not because these people are racists, mind you, but for political ideological reasons. Never mind, I suppose, whether millions of blacks in the South would still live under Jim Crow. Ideology and original intent in the Constitution debates are always going on here, from the state houses to the Supreme Court with each side of the issue deeply entrenched and immovable.

On the flip side, I tune into Danish TV on the Internet, and find myself equally alienated as a  politician from the communist party (not a big party, but on occasion they too get on TV) speaking as if all the money earned in the entire country belongs to everyone and it is the Danish government's job to dole it out to those to need it most.  At times like that I suffer >>Complete Culture Shock>>. How can ANYONE could be that oblivious to the basic rights of private property? If the US has drilled anything into me over the years (it was already there but it has been solidified) it is your personal right to your own earnings.

In the United States nobody can take your life, your liberty, or your property. Those three rights are fundamental, and all Americans learn this in school. Yes, there are taxes here--a necessary evil, which is often viewed as legalized robbery-- and folks here love to whine about taxes. In fact, I think it is THE favorite American whine that everyone can join in. But why not? This whole country was practically founded on the principle of resistance to taxes.

When moving about in this country, I have the strange advantage/disadvantage to be nearly accentless. Most folks who meet me  think I am American, and if they detect a slight accent (I can't say copper, and I can't say Norfolk -- and a few other words associated with the short o sound), they ascribe it to the east coast, the west coast, the midwest--- anywhere but where they are from.  So I am not generally weeded out as a despicable foreigner unless I get in a discussion where on occasion I hold some despicable views that no true blue-blooded American could possibly hold :)

At one point several years ago, I was introduced to a friend of a friend. She was told I was from Denmark, and I mentioned that sometimes I would like to move back. "Denmark," she exclaimed in horror, "Who would want to live in Denmark?" Her idea of Denmakr was this horrible socialist dictatorial state that is even worse than Holland (which somehow is set up as the worst of the worst).  She never apologized for so maligning a country she knows nothing about. But then neither do Danes ever apologize for walking right up to me (when I visit my folks in Denmark) and reciting their laundry list of why the United States is the most evil, imperial, and ruthless country in the world (said people have not been here and would never dream of going), so it goes both ways.

On another occasion, my parents visited here and marveled at the educational services available to my son Ben when he was in Middle School. They went home to Denmark and told their public school teacher friends, and some of them flat out refused to believe it. The Danish stereo type of the US is this horrid country where unless you have money you can do absolutely nothing. It was beyond their scope of understanding that in some areas the United States actually has excellent social services... one of them being its educational support for its disabled students.  --- Another strange prejudice that some Danes have (watching too many bad American TV shows) is the belief that the entire United States dodges bullets  every day all the time when walking out front doors onto the street. They think that violence is everywhere around every corner.

America is not a melting pot, it is more of a chunky stew which has not been mixed very well, so all the carrots are on the bottom and all the onions have floated to the top. (Yes, I know, physically this would not happen to carrots in terms of relative the relative densities of carrots and water, it is ONLY a bad analogy!!!)

I have only lived in a fairly lily white conservative Christian segment of it. I have functioned in (and thoroughly loved) the university part of the United States, and I have navigated both the health care and the social services on account of my son with Down Syndrome. I have seen the military part of this country from the outside, on account of having two sons in the United States Navy. -- I love this country. And I love living here, and I love the friendly (albeit sometimes only surface) people here, and their willingness to talk with you and include you even if you are brand new. Denmark is a much harder culture to break into if you do not already have connections (at least in my experience).  --- American etiquette, however, is difficult for me to navigate -- to this day.  Politics and religion here are fixed subjects, not easily discussed, fairly bereft of nuance in the mouth of the speaker, and politeness requires some detachment that (in most of the places I move in) precludes in depth discussion. America because of its varied population groups deems issues such as vaccines, global warming, and age of the universe, not as scientific facts, but as 'matters of opinion' -- unless I am in my little science coccoon at the university.

Denmark's population for the most part is still so very homogenous that issues of children in day care, global warming, what medicinal practices are acceptable and needed for all are not highly controversial issues that threaten people to their cores. They love their country, they agree for the most part with what it stands for, and they do not have an inherent suspicion constantly lingering in the back of their minds that the government is out to take all their liberties away from them. (At least not to the degree that Americans do). I miss the contentment of my fellow Danes.

To wrap up this wild ramble of living in the gap. Denmark and the US were partners in Iraq, in Afghanistan. They are really rather similar. Both places are livable 'in'-able. Both have lovely opinionated people who for the most part live in luxury with 1st world problems that are fun to whine about.

I am blessed --albeit a touch lonely on some days-- living in the gap.